Cheese Sandwich Update

IMPORTANT NATIONAL SECURITY INFORMATION

The grilled-cheese sandwich bearing the likeness of the Virgin Mary visited a strip club in Austin last night. It's chaperone, Herald columnist Jim DeFede, reports that many of the dancers wanted to pose for pictures with it. He also had a good night at the poker tables with the sandwich in tow.

Like there are any virgins in South Florida...

Some of you may have been following a story out of South Florida this month about a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that a local woman says bears the face of the Virgin Mary. She sold it on eBay for $28,000 to an online casino.

My colleague Jim DeFede, our local columnist, volunteered to drive the sandwich from Miami to Las Vegas, and he's writing about the trip as he goes. It's one of the most entertaining things online right now.

When you've got a little time, pop over to Follow The Cheese, and click on the archive link to start at the beginning.

My favorite entry so far is about the chilly reception he got from the folks who guard a Clearwater bank building where Mary's face supposedly manifested in a window. Competition's a bitch.

If she doesnt have arms, she cant talk back?

A mother in Plano, Texas (where else but in Texas, home of the Dubya), cut off the arms of her almost 11-year-old daughter. Read this gruesome story and realize that not being allowed to go out one Saturday night in High School by your parents was not all that bad in comparison to losing your arms...and then dying. Great picture of the mother as well.
Fun Mother

For Those of You who Loved the Subservient Chicken......

Here is a Brand new one for those 13 year old boys. The VIRTUAL BARTENDER!
And she is pretty hot. But, be careful what you wish for.

An Open Letter

To The Person or Persons Who Somehow Obtained My Debit Card Number:

You are shit.

I have no idea how you obtained the account number, only theories.

I have no idea how you used that number, despite the fact that I still had the actual card, to spend $50 to $100 at each of 10 or 15 gas stations in a single day.

I have no idea what you want to do with $500 to $1000 worth of gas, overpriced toothpaste, Hostess Sno-Balls, various jerky, slightly rusted cans of Barbasol and Miller High Life.

I have no idea whether you considered the impact that $500 or $1000 would have on a person who actually works to earn their money – whether it would impede things like paying the mortgage, buying the groceries and keeping the lights on. Among my people (humans) it is considered rude to lie, cheat and steal your way to comfort.

I have no idea whether you are aware of the time and hassle required to work with a bank to handle such things - although I imagine it's far less than the time and hassle that will be required of you by the police, prosecutors and judges.

But there is one thing I do know: I was overjoyed to sign the bank’s request to cooperate in any way possible to locate, apprehend, prosecute and punish your worthless punk ass.

A few things for you to keep in mind:

1. Since we were in Chicago when you went on a spending spree through Citgos, Amocos and Racetracs in Miami, it will be ridiculously easy to prove that all those expenditures were fraudulent. (You can look those words up in a dictionary. It’s a book of words.)

2. Gas stations, while probably easy places to get away with your particular brand of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, constantly-drooling fraud, are also notorious for having security cameras.

3. If you think your actions cost me significant time and money, be warned that it’s nothing compared to what I’m willing to expend to find you.

4. I’m a lot smarter than you are, and a lot meaner.

See you soon,
Big Pinz

Classic? Rock?

Today is a postcard-perfect day in Miami - blue skies, warm sun, 81 degrees... we even saw wild parrots flying around while we ate lunch at a sidewalk cafe in South Beach.

While cruising across the MacArthur Causeway with the convertible top down and the Classic Rock station on my XM Radio, however, there was a disturbing sound.

The sound of Tommy Tutone.

We could go 'round and 'round arguing the merits (or lack thereof) involved in '80s rock and, for that matter, in classic rock.

But is there really a compelling argument to be made that "867-5309 Jenny" belongs on the same station as Eric Clapton and the Rolling Stones? And is a song released in 1981 honestly eligible for classic rock status?

I vote no.

Hot, Wild, XXX Political Action...

The high jinks continue at my old newspaper, the Florida Times-Union in Jacksonville. This comes from a column written Sunday by their reader advocate:

While Times-Union reporters fanned out to polling places last Tuesday, the most interesting flub of Election Day happened on the newspaper's own front page.
A toll-free number to a non-partisan organization tracking the election turned out to be painfully wrong. Instead, the wrong number referred callers to a sex talk service. Of course, this never should have happened, since the newsroom's policy is that all phone numbers should be called before publication.

Anyone who knows Jacksonville - perhaps the most conservative, religious city in Florida - will have a true appreciation for the beauty.

Social Darwinism continues to glow, and me without my fork

A man in the Taipei Zoo hopped the fence and jumped into the Lion exhibit. With his hands raised he tried to convert the two Lions to Christianity. Lions. Lions. Big mane, sharp teeth, tails, big paws, and, oh yeah, the King of the friggin' Jungle. How derranged must you really be to try and convert lions to Christianity? I thought the crusades were over. I know jihad is still going on in the Middle East by blowing yourself up in the name of God. But converting lions to Christianity? I believe they enjoy eating meat on Fridays, so you can count them out. Also, and this is one of my favorite parts, the lions had been fed earlier in the day, had they not the man would have gotten more than a lion bite on his leg.

Also, remember when you were a kid and someone would bite, and that was considered wussy (see Mike Tyson), how come when a lion bites you, it isnt? Do they not have to go back to the pride knowing that the lionesses will be looking at him differently since he bit the derranged lunatic versus beating him up Simba-Style? Anyways....

And for a closer insight we go to our NBA correspondent, Allen Iverson,
"Allen, what do you think of the situation?"
"We're talking about an animal. Not a human, not a human. We're talking about an animal."
"Ok, thanks for the insight."

Check out the lion converting story

I am pretty happy too....

Houston Rocket Guard, Tracy McGrady, signed a four year contract extension for a mere $85.7 Million. By signing this contract, the final year of the contract, the 2010-2011 season, he will "earn" $24.1 Million. When asked about the extension McGrady told a Houston television station that, "I'm pretty happy about that. It's one thing I can ge off my mind." You know, I am pretty happy too for him. This is an excellent basketball player. I mean, he definitely deserves this kind of money for taking a ball and putting it into a circular hole.

Hell, if I make one year of his contract over my entire lifespan, I may just start dancing in the street in rush hour traffic on Michigan Avenue in Chicago to celebrate. This conceited jerk gets to make this kind of money for multiple years and all he an say is that he is "pretty happy". Screw him. This is why I really enjoy seeing the NBA slowly destroy themselves.


T-Mac signs multi-million dollar contract extension